Fill the blanks. ‘I am so envious that I want to….” How would you complete that sentence? Destroy someone’s reputation?
Or, do better for yourself?
You might harbour envy, a rather unpleasant feeling. Yet, these feelings are alerting you to change a situation. With this in mind, see how you can motivate yourself to change your life around, explains Diana Matthews, a Dubai-based counsellor, using the fill-in-the-blanks example from Psychology Today.
Envy rears its head, often. It’s a common human phenomenon. Yet, it doesn’t have to always eat us from inside. It could inspire some to finish unfinished manuscripts that had been lying abandoned for years, as in the case of Dubai-based Narayani Sanyal, an aspiring writer and freelancer. A little envious of someone in her circle, pursuing their writing ambitions while juggling full-time jobs, she decided to finally make time for her book.
It could also push a person to demand more than settling for something less, as Dubai-based Nick Moore, a Canadian public relations professional, who felt he had been left behind when his close friend revealed his staggering salary. Moore, himself, after working in a company for over ten years, without significant monetary benefits. “It hurts to feel that everyone’s ahead of you. I think, without letting the bitterness overcome you, if you can use that emotion to take action, that’s what matters finally,” he adds, relieved that he switched jobs, and is in a happier space now.
However, you need to walk the careful line between envy and crippling jealousy.
Envy versus jealousy
Envy is often seen and understood as unsavoury; a pulsing negative emotion.
“There are so many understandings of envy. People often think it’s another synonym for jealousy, but it’s a lot more complicated than that,” explains Matthews. It’s a sense of longing, yearning for something that somebody else has. “It could also be more of a bittersweet feeling. Envy is an emotion that is connected with things that are important to us,” she says. There are two types of envy: It can be benign, which is usually just essentially admiration and more functional, pushing you to change something about yourself.
However, it's important to distinguish it from a more destructive emotion: jealousy, which can also be envy in a rather malicious form. It’s when you feel threatened, anxious that you might be losing your position, or situation to someone else. This is a rather bitter, negative emotion that can spur people to behave in a rather petty, hurtful manner towards others, she adds. They stew in resentment and hostility and want to hurt someone else’s happiness.
Matthews, provides an example regarding the two emotions:
They were jealous of their colleague’s success.
They were envious of their colleague’s success.
As she explains, the entire meaning of the sentence changes, if you replace jealousy with envy. “When you think jealousy, you already imagine somebody harming another with words or actions. Envy, in its positive state, is longing,” she says.
It’s this longing that can push a person into action, and makes them want to do something for themselves.
First, admit it to yourself
The most complex part of envy, is first admitting that you feel envious in the first place, as Carolyn Yaffe, cognitive behaviour therapist from Medcare Camali Center, Dubai explains. Without acknowledging these feelings, you revel in your misery. Once you accept your feelings, it can allow you to actually weaponise envy as a force for good, explain the psychologists. It helps you to see the goals and milestones that you had not considered before. You see the qualities and possessions in others that you admire, compelling you to turn towards self-reflection.
Instead of resenting someone for their success and achievements, try to learn from them. Understand what qualities they have or actions that made them successful and see if you can apply similar strategies in your own life. Shift your focus from what you lack to what you have...
Matthews provides examples: For instance, watching someone else sing on stage with a close friend could leave you with a pang of envy. You love singing, but never had the confidence to sing in public. “This twinge of inferiority can actually motivate you to practise your own singing skills more, so that next time, you could have more confidence to sing on stage and receive the same praise,” she says.
It can bring on healthy competition, by inspiring you to work harder to reach that level of success. It helps you think about why you feel envious, fuelling your determination and persistence. "Instead of resenting someone for their success and achievements, try to learn from them," adds Yaffe. "Understand what qualities they have or actions that made them successful and see if you can apply similar strategies in your own life. Shift your focus from what you lack to what you have," she says.
Moreover, it’s not something to be embarrassed about, adds Laurence Elizabeth, a British Dubai-based counsellor. In fact, it can even cathartic. It helps sometimes to just tell a friend, or a family member that you’re feeling. “It removes the nasty pang from the emotion and allows you to move ahead constructively without holding on to any residual hurt,” she says.
'Keep envy as your starting point'
Skip the schadenfreude and the pity parties for one. Use your envy as a social alarm clock, as Matthews explains. “With this fear of falling behind, it pushes us forward. It lights a fire in us to work harder and chase goals that are out of reach; creating a roadmap on how to get there,” she says.
Begin by reframing your envy into a more positive and goal oriented motivation, says Louise McDonnell, a clinical psychologist from LightHouse Arabia. "Reframe envy into admiration or inspiration. You do not envy everything or everyone you come across, only certain things that you truly desire. So thinking about the other person as a source of inspiration and developing actionable steps to achieve similar outcomes can help shift your focus from others to your personal growth and aspirations," she says.
You can start by being realistic. Set your goals. Yet most of all, be patient. "Change takes time, give yourself permission to take that time. Whatever social media will have you convinced of, real change takes time and effort and consistently showing up for the thing you desire. Those people you are envious of have often spent real time and effort to get what they have," reminds McDonnell.
Reframe envy into admiration or inspiration. You do not envy everything or everyone you come across, only certain things that you truly desire. So thinking about the other person as a source of inspiration and developing actionable steps to achieve similar outcomes can help shift your focus from others to your personal growth and aspirations...
As Matthews cites, there are still studies being conducted on how envy can actually be conducive to pushing you forward. In 1956, through a series of experiments, American psychologist Leon Festinger first put forward the social comparison theory: We are always measuring our achievements against others. This triggers envy, which can enable us to bridge the gap. Another 1989 study by psychologist David Mclelland, proposed that that the fear of falling behind can reflect envy. It lights a fear within us, and we have more desire to chase our dreams.
However, keep envy as your starting point, says Elizabeth. Don’t let it overpower your journey. “If you’re feeling envious of someone, just question how they got where they did. What methods, and techniques did they use? How can you do the same,” she says. So, you can note down a list of steps and benchmarks that can make a goal seem less intimidating.
You have to remember that everyone’s journey is unique: So stop comparing yourself to others, she warns. Keep in mind, that everyone has their own story and different set of challenges.
